Understanding the Process of Moving Past Grief

The Grieving Process

Every person is unique in how he or she handles losing a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.

Our responses to feelings as we are moving past grief are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real-time,” and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another and cycle back again to the first one. You may repeat this process several times while working through your grief.

There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial

Initially, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to function on a basic level under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.

Anger

Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.

Guilt

Before and after a loss, you may feel like you would have done anything if only your loved one had been spared. “If only” and “what if” becomes a recurrent thought. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You may try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.

Depression

After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief present themselves deeper. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.

Acceptance

Eventually, you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life like it did to begin with. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.

How long am I going to feel this way?

Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual to take at least a year to move past grief.

Complicated grief

Your relationship with the deceased can also influence the duration of the mourning process, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.

Sometimes, the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals trained in dealing with complex grief issues.

If, after some time has passed, you find it difficult to continue moving past grief and it is disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling. Feel free to reach out to our funeral home as well for assistance.